I retired literally one month ago and I feel the same way; vaguely guilty, like I should be doing something productive. But honestly, what's more productive than what I'm doing now? I garden, cut firewood, do some blacksmithing or carpentry if I feel like it, write my bits of doggerel...I'm actually making stuff now, not just a cog in a big machine. But why do I view this as not productive?
I guess I know the answer to what Charles Bukowski asked; "Do you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?" I don't think I do...but I want to remember...
Love that Bukowski quote... I can relate to that. The shadow I'm chasing is the unconstrained writing me of University days...but with all the wisdom I have now!
I been lucky as not to be inflicted with guilt. Or shame. I grew up with violent parents and was beaten for nothing, regular. I was told right and wrong by sadistic idiots. Teachers at school weren't any better. So I got no regard for others' ideas of morals. And my work ethic ain't aligned with society either. I don't care what anyone thinks of me. I don't need to keep up with the Jones's and I have no instinct for material gain. Not political or religious, I ain't a monk, a hippy, or a Communist. Just ain't that way inclined. At school, I didn't get it. The need for education (to me, that meant brainwashing intro conformity, a conveyor belt for factory drones), or the need for career.
I went to work, low paid manual jobs, till I got put in the madhouse. I was off work sick (schizophrenic) for 12 years. I tried to work on and off for 20 years in 30s and 40s. But it made me unwell again, so now, I'm on disability benefits again. I don't feel no guilt writing me books, instead of working. I'm not one for needing to do something either. I like to do nothing. Underrated activity, doing nothing.
It took me a good year after retiring from university teaching to allow myself the luxury of truly embracing my own time and goals. It had always been disciplined to my writing life, but this was a new era. It's part of the process, and it does come together in a most wonderful way.
I retired literally one month ago and I feel the same way; vaguely guilty, like I should be doing something productive. But honestly, what's more productive than what I'm doing now? I garden, cut firewood, do some blacksmithing or carpentry if I feel like it, write my bits of doggerel...I'm actually making stuff now, not just a cog in a big machine. But why do I view this as not productive?
I guess I know the answer to what Charles Bukowski asked; "Do you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?" I don't think I do...but I want to remember...
Love that Bukowski quote... I can relate to that. The shadow I'm chasing is the unconstrained writing me of University days...but with all the wisdom I have now!
I been lucky as not to be inflicted with guilt. Or shame. I grew up with violent parents and was beaten for nothing, regular. I was told right and wrong by sadistic idiots. Teachers at school weren't any better. So I got no regard for others' ideas of morals. And my work ethic ain't aligned with society either. I don't care what anyone thinks of me. I don't need to keep up with the Jones's and I have no instinct for material gain. Not political or religious, I ain't a monk, a hippy, or a Communist. Just ain't that way inclined. At school, I didn't get it. The need for education (to me, that meant brainwashing intro conformity, a conveyor belt for factory drones), or the need for career.
I went to work, low paid manual jobs, till I got put in the madhouse. I was off work sick (schizophrenic) for 12 years. I tried to work on and off for 20 years in 30s and 40s. But it made me unwell again, so now, I'm on disability benefits again. I don't feel no guilt writing me books, instead of working. I'm not one for needing to do something either. I like to do nothing. Underrated activity, doing nothing.
It took me a good year after retiring from university teaching to allow myself the luxury of truly embracing my own time and goals. It had always been disciplined to my writing life, but this was a new era. It's part of the process, and it does come together in a most wonderful way.
Thanks for responding David. This is the year!!