1,000 volts anyone?

How can I possibly be looking forward to that?!

Two days from now I will have been put to sleep in an operating theatre, attached to a defibrillator, and somewhere between 200 and 1,000 volts passed through my heart in an effort to ‘reset’ the rhythm of its electrical impulses. Apparently - and fortunately! - the cardiologists always start at the lower end of the range, and more often than not just one shock does the trick…

The prize? A return to things: a normal heartbeat; an increase in energy / a reduction in tiredness; being mentally - and physically - prepared to go back into the gym etc.

The last few weeks have been a little ‘flat’, dominated by preoccupation with my condition and what was going to be done to try and resolve it. Throughout, I have tried to remain as focussed as possible on my work: drafting stories, attending and running meetings, working on publishing projects (including a brand new book, out today: So, you think you’re a Writer). But all this activity has been in relation to a specific horizon, a ‘before’ and an ‘after’, November 1st vs. November 2nd.

It feels a little like approaching the end of a rainbow and being about to find out exactly what’s located there.

What do I hope for? Well, let’s not be too dramatic!

• a decent night’s sleep on Saturday for a start;

• waking up feeling refreshed on Sunday (or ‘recharged’, if you’ll excuse the pun);

• and if the procedure has worked, recognising all the opportunities rejuvenation given me - most especially in being able to start work on new projects.

I want it to feel a little like a ‘kick-start’. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror on Sunday and say “now make the most of it”. I want to feel inspired to ‘kick-on’, to re-dedicate myself to my work.

And if I do arrive at that place I will do so open-eyed, without delusion, knowing it is highly unlikely any such reaffirmation will change anything in the grand scheme of things. There aren’t enough volts to make that happen! Like millions of others, I will continue to struggle to be heard, to get engagement, to have people buy my books and read my words. I won’t suddenly be invested with genius nor garner an extra 2,000 subscribers on Substack - though please don’t let me stop you!….

But I may just be inspired to revisit the ‘why’, ‘who’, ‘how’ and ‘what’ of my writing life (discussion of what all that means is in the new book!) and use any fresh insights to triangulate once again as to why I’m in this crazy, frustrating, magical game.

Outside of a beating heart, maybe that’s the real prize on offer.

This is serious stuff - both the procedure and my work - though the outcome of one is likely to be more immediate and tangible than the other.

See you on the other side…

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